Off Topic Programmer Jokes!

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Cryslacks

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Mom: "Could you got to the store and buy 2 L milk and if they have eggs, buy 6."
Mom when your back home: "Why did you buy 6 L milk?"
Kid: "They had eggs so you said i shluld buy 6 L then!"

Just some shit i remembered, maybe not 100% correct.
 

till0sch

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Why do programmers always mix up Christmas and Halloween? Because Dec 25 is Oct 31
Why do java programmers always wear glasses? Because they don't C#
 

Solaire

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Hahaha! That's awesome :p

A few of my favorites from here

“Knock, knock.â€￾
“Who’s there?â€￾
very long pause….
“Java.â€￾

Q: how many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: none, that's a hardware problem



A physicist, an engineer and a programmer were in a car driving over a steep alpine pass when the brakes failed. The car was getting faster and faster, they were struggling to get round the corners and once or twice only the feeble crash barrier saved them from crashing down the side of the mountain. They were sure they were all going to die, when suddenly they spotted an escape lane. They pulled into the escape lane, and came safely to a halt.
The physicist said "We need to model the friction in the brake pads and the resultant temperature rise, see if we can work out why they failed".
The engineer said "I think I've got a few spanners in the back. I'll take a look and see if I can work out what's wrong".
The programmer said "Why don't we get going again and see if it's reproducible?"

When your hammer is C++, everything begins to look like a thumb.


A computer science student is studying under a tree and another pulls up on a flashy new bike. The first student asks, “Where’d you get that?â€￾
The student on the bike replies, “While I was studying outside, a beautiful girl pulled up on her bike. She took off all her clothes and said, ‘You can have anything you want’.â€￾
The first student responds, “Good choice! Her clothes probably wouldn’t have fit you.â€￾


A guy is standing on the corner of the street smoking one cigarette after another. A lady walking by notices him and says
"Hey, don't you know that those things can kill you? I mean, didn't you see the giant warning on the box?!"
"That's OK" says the guy, puffing casually "I'm a computer programmer"
"So? What's that got to do with anything?"
"We don't care about warnings. We only care about errors."


Jesus and Satan have an argument as to who is the better programmer. This goes on for a few hours until they come to an agreement to hold a contest with God as the judge. They set themselves before their computers and begin. They type furiously, lines of code streaming up the screen, for several hours straight.
Seconds before the end of the competition, a bolt of lightning strikes, taking out the electricity. Moments later, the power is restored, and God announces that the contest is over. He asks Satan to show his work. Visibly upset, Satan cries and says, “I have nothing. I lost it all when the power went out.â€￾
“Very well,â€￾ says God, “let us see if Jesus has fared any better.â€￾
Jesus presses a key, and the screen comes to life in vivid display, the voices of an angelic choir pour forth from the speakers.
Satan is astonished. He stutters, “B-b-but how?! I lost everything, yet Jesus’ program is intact! How did he do it?â€￾
God chuckles, “Everybody knows… Jesus saves.â€￾


And my all time favorite from that page

These two strings walk into a bar and sit down. The bartender says, "So what'll it be?"
The first string says, "I think I'll have a beer quag fulk boorg jdk^CjfdLk jk3s d#f67howe%^U r89nvy owmc63^Dz x.xvcu"
"Please excuse my friend," the second string says, "He isn't null-terminated."
 
Last edited:

mPulse

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Hahaha! That's awesome :p

A few of my favorites from [
URL="https://stackoverflow.com/questions/234075/what-is-your-best-programmer-joke"]here[/URL]

“Knock, knock.â€￾
“Who’s there?â€￾
very long pause….
“Java.â€￾

Q: how many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: none, that's a hardware problem



A physicist, an engineer and a programmer were in a car driving over a steep alpine pass when the brakes failed. The car was getting faster and faster, they were struggling to get round the corners and once or twice only the feeble crash barrier saved them from crashing down the side of the mountain. They were sure they were all going to die, when suddenly they spotted an escape lane. They pulled into the escape lane, and came safely to a halt.
The physicist said "We need to model the friction in the brake pads and the resultant temperature rise, see if we can work out why they failed".
The engineer said "I think I've got a few spanners in the back. I'll take a look and see if I can work out what's wrong".
The programmer said "Why don't we get going again and see if it's reproducible?"

When your hammer is C++, everything begins to look like a thumb.


A computer science student is studying under a tree and another pulls up on a flashy new bike. The first student asks, “Where’d you get that?â€￾
The student on the bike replies, “While I was studying outside, a beautiful girl pulled up on her bike. She took off all her clothes and said, ‘You can have anything you want’.â€￾
The first student responds, “Good choice! Her clothes probably wouldn’t have fit you.â€￾


A guy is standing on the corner of the street smoking one cigarette after another. A lady walking by notices him and says
"Hey, don't you know that those things can kill you? I mean, didn't you see the giant warning on the box?!"
"That's OK" says the guy, puffing casually "I'm a computer programmer"
"So? What's that got to do with anything?"
"We don't care about warnings. We only care about errors."


Jesus and Satan have an argument as to who is the better programmer. This goes on for a few hours until they come to an agreement to hold a contest with God as the judge. They set themselves before their computers and begin. They type furiously, lines of code streaming up the screen, for several hours straight.
Seconds before the end of the competition, a bolt of lightning strikes, taking out the electricity. Moments later, the power is restored, and God announces that the contest is over. He asks Satan to show his work. Visibly upset, Satan cries and says, “I have nothing. I lost it all when the power went out.â€￾
“Very well,â€￾ says God, “let us see if Jesus has fared any better.â€￾
Jesus presses a key, and the screen comes to life in vivid display, the voices of an angelic choir pour forth from the speakers.
Satan is astonished. He stutters, “B-b-but how?! I lost everything, yet Jesus’ program is intact! How did he do it?â€￾
God chuckles, “Everybody knows… Jesus saves.â€￾


And my all time favorite from that page

These two strings walk into a bar and sit down. The bartender says, "So what'll it be?"
The first string says, "I think I'll have a beer quag fulk boorg jdk^CjfdLk jk3s d#f67howe%^U r89nvy owmc63^Dz x.xvcu"
"Please excuse my friend," the second string says, "He isn't null-terminated."
Haahhaahahhahahaha,Made my day,LOL :DDDDDDDDDDDDDD
 

LOLKFC

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Oct 23, 2014
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3 SQL Databases walked into a No-SQL Bar. After 10 minutes they walked out because they didnt find tables.




My favorite:
Heights of Object oriented thinking.
A boy tries to look inside a girls shirt in a class.
Girl: it is bad manners.
Boy: no it is not.
Girl: why?
Boy: "Members of the same class can access private data".
 
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