So i decided to create a jokes thread. For anyone who doesn't know me I love jokes and always enjoy learning new jokes. I personally prefer dark humor jokes, but always open to learning clean jokes as well. Please keep the forum rules in mind when posting your jokes. If it's dark humor or has the chance to offend someone please post a warning and put the joke in spoiler tags. Make sure to read the forums rules before posting. No racism jokes.
***WARNING DARK HUMOR JOKE***
Spoiler: The Doctor
A man and woman were sitting down eating dinner talking about there day. All the sudden a woman fell back in her chair hitting the floor having a seizure. The man jumped up and rushed her to the hospital. The guy is sitting the in waiting room for 5 hours before the doctor finally came out. He ran up to the doctor.
Man: "Doc doc how is she?"
Doctor: "It's not good. She has a rare disease that's slowly killing her. She is also paralyzed from the neck down from the fall. She is going to depend on you for the rest of her life. You'll need to get her in and out of bed everyday, bathe her, cook for her, give her her meds on time throughout the day. She's going to depend on you 24/7."
The man sits back into a chair stunned. He looks up at the doctor
Man: "Doc I don't know if I can handle all this."
Doctor: "Nah I'm just fuckin with you. She's already dead."
The FBI had an open position for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were completed, they had narrowed the field down to 3 possible agents. For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. 'We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances.'
Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair... we need you to kill her' The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife.' The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.'
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, 'I tried, but I can't kill my wife.' The agent said, 'You don't have what it takes. Take your wife home.'
Finally, the last man was given the same instructions, to kill his wife. He took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the man, wiping the sweat from his brow. 'Some idiot loaded the gun with blanks' he said. 'I had to strangle that bitch to death'.
A guy was walking to a bar and on his way he found a girl tied up to the railroad tracks. He untied her and they had sex. Guy gets to the bar, friends ask why he's so late, tells them about the girl he found and all the different positions they fucked in. Friends give him props and ask if he got head, guy replies "I couldn't find it."
A man goes to the library and asks for a book on suicide. The librarian says, "Fuck off, you won't bring it back."
Last edited by TastyHorror; 12-09-2013 at 05:08 PM.
Originally Posted by squeenie
And just like Jesus did on easter Monday, he returns!